On Sunday night, an American Airlines flight from Miami to La Guardia, which should have been a quick, routine trip, turned into a 24-hour nightmare for a group of passengers. It began when the plane was left on the ground for over an hour after its scheduled takeoff time (9:45 p.m.) because the flight crew was nowhere to be found. When they finally arrived, the understandably annoyed passengers vocally razzed them.

The crew took offense to this and refused to fly with what they called a "hostile" group. American scrambled to find an alternate crew, but couldn't. The passengers were put up in a hotel for the night and then flown up to La Guardia the next day. Their joy at arrival was mitigated only by the fact that their luggage had landed across town at JFK.

The flight crew hopes this will be a lesson to future passengers: Pipe down and deal with the delays politely. Most Americans will read this as a cautionary tale and take care to wait patiently through agonizing delays. It's not, after all, the fault of a particular crew member or baggage worker if an entire flight is delayed.

The divorce between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook that started last week in Central Islip has been excellent tabloid fodder. It is dramatic and voyeuristic, and the guilt one feels enjoying the tawdriness of the spectacle is tempered by the fact that both participants are pretty much vile: Cook had an affair with an 18-year-old assistant he admittedly hired just so he could sleep with her, and Brinkley, mother of two young children, insisted on making their divorce public so that her ex would be humiliated in the tabloids. It is, as one of our commenters noted, "delicious summer fun," and we've been enjoying it fully. But even we began to feel some discomfort the other day when, as the Post put it, "the shamefaced Cook to burst into tears as he recounted under oath how he spent his evenings trolling porn sites while masturbating in front of strangers over a Web cam."

"Is it correct, sir, that you have masturbated in front of a Web cam?" his lawyer, Mark Winkler, asked. Red-faced, Cook replied: "Yes, I have, privately, secretly — never at home, never in front of my children." Wiping tears from his eyes, Cook admitted he sought "young fit girls" from swinger Web sites while confirming he was a voracious viewer of pornography.

Oh, the horror. First of all, we kind of think that no one ever should be called to discuss their masturbation habits in a courtroom filled with reporters typing feverishly on BlackBerrys.

Cynthia Rodriguez "did the right thing" by filing for divorce from her all-star husband, A-Rod, because of his adultery with other women, says a stripper who says she was one of them. "A leopard doesn't change his spots," Candice Houlihan told the Boston Herald. "Good for her. I think she’s doing the smart thing. And she’ll probably get tons of cash." We're sure those words will be great solace to Cynthia, who lawyers say is "on the verge of a nervous breakdown" over reports that her estranged husband is having an affair with Madonna.

According to Houlihan, a Boston resident and former exotic dancer, Rodriguez spotted her in the stands during a 2004 game against the Red Sox and asked her out. They met at a club in Back Bay.

"It was killing me and I felt bad afterwards," she said. "I’m not a bad person. I know how it feels to be cheated on, it sucks. But a couple of drinks later, I didn't notice all that much, to tell you the truth."

Yesterday, we were shocked and appalled by Christie Brinkley's robotic spouting of random platitudes on the witness stand during her divorce trial. "Children are our future," she said at one point, and at another, "Science has shown the importance of good nutrition." Ghastly. If she was using language like that at home, we wondered, what was she saying to her children? They could be in terrible danger of growing up severely boring!

Today, on day four of the trial, it was even worse. This morning, Andrea Peyser, bless her angry heart, called Brinkley out on several more exceedingly banal statements from yesterday:

"I believe in karma," she said. "I believe in the golden rule. I believe in positive encouragement, whenever you can."

She also reportedly wished the media a happy Fourth of July, adding:

"I'm looking forward to my independence day."

Honestly. What is going on here? Has she been programmed?

But the most chilling moment of all was yet to come.

Taking smart advantage of the hullabaloo surrounding Madonna's alleged "affair of the heart" with A-Rod, Madge's brother Christopher Ciccone's publishers have released a timely nugget of information from his upcoming tell-all, the creatively titled Life With My Sister Madonna. Apparently, the book describes a special moment shared by the singer and her friend Gwyneth Paltrow at a party thrown by Donatella Versace.

The 'Like a Virgin' singer was dancing on a table at 4am when she dragged Gwyneth up to join her. Then—as party-goers watched in amazement—Madonna grabbed Gwynnie, pulled her to her and kissed the stunned Hollywood star full on the mouth.

Girls kissing! Shock! Amazement! We can't wait for the book! No; only kidding. Madonna being sexually experimental was news in, like, 1981. But we do have to hand to Ciccone's publicists for finding an anecdote that combines the two memes of the moment: infidelity plus hot lesbian action. Way to go, Simon Spotlight! Keeping reading alive, you are.

Madonna Grabbed Gwyneth and Kissed Her Full on the Mouth [U.K. Sun via Us]
Related: Casey Johnson and Courtney Semel Are 'Completely in Love'

Fox News' Roger Friedman thinks he knows why Alex Rodriguez was on the Yankees' disabled list for so long after a minor groin pull. "Was A-Rod’s injury somehow related to his friendship with Madonna?" the online gossip asked in his latest column. "Was it really cool to stay out late and attend the singer’s very short show at Roseland one day after going on the disabled list?" (Short answer: Yes — it's always cool to go to Madonna shows when it's hard to get tickets.) You'll have to read his column for the full, surprisingly well-thought-out argument.

Now, we have no idea whether Madonna exacerbated A-Rod's groin injury (how's that for a euphemism?). But we do know that Cynthia Rodriguez has been exacerbating his credit-card debt. Her trip to Paris cost the slugger over $100,000, according to the Daily News. "She's been spending wildly," a "friend" told the tabloid. She had spa treatments and went to the best restaurants, as well as flying herself, her daughter, and two friends exclusively in first class. And to top it off, she started the rumors about her and Lenny Kravitz just to make him jealous, the friend said. In other words, C-Rod's going to fight dirty. Expect overshares about his Internet porn habits any day now.

Did Madonna Injure A-Rod? [Fox News]
A-Rod pal: Cynthia spent $100G in Paris [NYDN]

There are many ladies with surgically enhanced bosoms and loose morals fighting for fame and fortune on the current crop of reality shows — there's the girls on Rock of Love, I Love Money, and, of course, Hugh's bunnies on The Girls Next Door. But no real-life woman on cable television right now actually has sex for money (or not, at least, you know, directly). But that may change if Eliot Spitzer's hooker, Ashley Alexandra Dupré, gets her own reality show, which, E! is reporting, is a possibility.

A mere six months after telling Vogue that his girlfriend, Drew Barrymore, is full of "beauty and light, and she shines it on everybody who comes into contact with her," Justin Long (best known, poor sod, as "the Mac Guy") has been relegated to the dustbin of Barrymore's relationship history, where he is probably at this very moment weeping, whilst sharing a pint of Ben & Jerry's alongside Barrymore exes Jamie Walters and Tom Green. He can't say we didn't warn him. Many men have fallen prey to Drew's magical vagina, but their story always ends the same: She remains famous and fabulous; they disappear completely from the face of the earth.

But hark!